Groaners - post yours here

[AngliaGT]

What does the drummer name his daughters?

Spoiler

Anna one, Anna two, ...

I thought that was Lawrence Welk who did that.

 

[Boink]

Did you hear about the little old lady that bought 400 pounds of steel wool?
She knitted herself a stove.

 

[Basil]

If you lose a sock in the dryer, it returns as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any container.

 

[Basil]

I accidentally used the Dog's shampoo.

Now I'm feeling like such a good boy!

 

[Basil]

If 2021 was a drink, it would be a colonoscopy prep.

 

[Basil]

Dogs have owners.

Cats have staff.

 

[JPSmit]

 

[Basil]

Did you hear about the over weight urinary-tract doctor who liked to predict the weather?

Spoiler

He was a meaty urologist

 

[maynard]

 

[Basil]

Teacher of the year

 

[John Turney]

This is the only comeback I could think of that won't get me banned:

 

[John Turney]

 

[Silverghost]

A seaman meets a pirate in a port, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"

The pirate replies, "Aye, matey, we was in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as me men were pulling me out, a shark bit me leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch?"

"A sea-gull dropping fell into me eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a sea-gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Not exactly," said the pirate. "It was me first day with the hook."

One of my favorites!!

 

[Popeye]

A family favorite:

Q: There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?
A: 499

Q: What are the three steps to putting an elephant in the fridge?
A: Open door, put elephant in, close door.

Q: What are the 4 steps to putting a giraffe in the fridge?
A: Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Q: The Lion King is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it, and why?
A: Giraffe. He's stuck in a fridge.

Q: Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There's no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?
A: The alligators are all at a birthday party.

Q: Sally dies anyways. Why?
A: She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

 

[DrEntropy]

Thanks for the reminder, Mike!
Those "chain of events" jokes were favorites among our clan as well.

 

[maynard]

 

[Popeye]

Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes the reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions.

My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.

Looking for a married woman, recently cheated on, mad and scorned, who is willing to sell her husband's tools for cheap.

 

[Basil]

One day Sister Mary Francis and Sister Theresa were walking down the hallway at the local Catholic Hospital when they suddenly see Sister Dorothea come running from the reverend Father's office and go screaming down the hallway!

Concerned, then go into the Father's office to inquire as to what could have Sister Dorothea so upset?

Father leaned back in his chair and solidly explained that he just informed Sister Dorothea that "she is pregnant."

"Oh, my," the two sisters gasp! "How could this possibly be true?"

Father leaned forward with a wicked grin and proclaimed:

It isn't true but it sure cured her hiccups

 

[KozyB]

McDonald's had closed all of its restaurants in Russia; it's now a
no-fry zone

 

[JPSmit]